Wife Seeks Advice on How to Handle Brother-in-Law at 50th Birthday Party
A reader in Boston asks columnist R. Eric Thomas whether she should invite a volatile brother-in-law to her husband's surprise celebration.
By Adewale Fletcher ·
A Boston-area reader wrote to columnist R. Eric Thomas on Monday seeking guidance on a family conflict involving her husband's brother. The couple has been married for more than 20 years and lives far from the husband's brother, a distance the reader values because it prevents frequent physical altercations.
The reader described the brother as violent and prone to drinking when he visits. She stated that he typically initiates fights by hitting her husband and using cruel words directed at her. Their last in-person interaction occurred during the funeral for their mother, where the brother focused on money and control. Since that event, the brothers have rarely spoken, creating a quieter household.
The reader is planning a surprise 50th birthday party for her husband. She sent invitations to close family and friends but excluded the brother. A friend of the husband told her that the brother found out about the event and intends to show up. The reader told the friend to convey that she does not want him there, but she now fears the brother will call the husband and spoil the surprise.
Thomas responded that it may be difficult to manage someone who has a history of being unmanageable. He advised the reader not to spend energy trying to convince the brother to behave, as that effort would only increase her stress. Instead, Thomas suggested preparing for two specific outcomes.
For the first scenario, if the brother spoils the surprise by calling, Thomas said the reader can ask her husband to reconsider the invitation. She can cite the history of name-calling and violence as reasons to save the celebration for another time. The party is intended as a gift from the reader to her husband, so if he wants to include his brother, Thomas suggested they find a different date.
For the second scenario, where the brother simply arrives at the party, Thomas recommended enlisting friends and family members in advance. He advised the reader to ask trusted guests to help chaperone the brother. This preparation would reduce the reader's anticipatory anxiety by ensuring she has support if the brother becomes difficult.
The letter was published in the advice column of The Boston Globe on November 2, 2026. Thomas noted that the brother's behavior shows he has issues to work through regarding his relationship with his brother and his own conduct.
